


Me and a Gun

by everythinghappensforareason17



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: 1984
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And made completly au by 9x03, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Don't copy to another site, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Just with a darker tint that montana's well you know, Mental Breakdown, Missing Scene, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Post 9x02, Post-Break Up, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre 9x03, Tho maybe y'all will just take it for what it is, Triggers, brooke and the others are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-14 20:09:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20853341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythinghappensforareason17/pseuds/everythinghappensforareason17
Summary: it was me// and a gun// and a man// on my back-(Me and a Gun, Tori Amos)





	Me and a Gun

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: well, i’ve finally did it! Here’s the infamous story xantana story i've been working on for days now...in all it's ubeta'd glory haha!
> 
> but on a serious note, xavier's backstory near about killed me! it hit me on a very personal level because of some of my own experiences i’ve had in my lifetime and i wanted to write a little fic that explored how maybe xavier's path towards healing could go, and if you know, ahs was about that life!
> 
> so i wrote it instead and i just hope that i did it and this issue justice. thank you for anyone who’s encouraged my long ass, crazy tags sessions in my reblogs on tumblr and to all the others who have decided to take a chance and read it 
> 
> but there are triggers ahead. so please read responsibly!

**Banner by Lobo_Steele**

The _ insistent _ banging…Montana’s voice screaming at him to _ ‘fucking get up and do something and help block the damn door!’ _ while Trevor rummaged around the cabin frantically for something that’ll _ help _ them _ survive _ and—

Xavier covered his ears, overwhelmed…the surrounding noise suddenly, inconveniently, trapping him into a memory…the—_constant thumping of the boom mics feedback, the bustle of the director and crew and the actor getting ready for the scene ahead…and Blake’s voice trying to soothe away his non stop shivering. _

_ “Don’t be nervous. This is it, X. Your big break through. Be proud of yourself. You’re going to do beautifully…Action!” and Xavier had…just for Blake. To pay back what he’d owed— _

Xavier barely resisted the urge to fold further in on himself…_waiting _for Mr. Jingles to come through the door and finish them off… _trying _helplessly to stop—_Blake_— the voice buzzing around in his head like a mantra, yelling that this was all _his_ fault. They were going to die here…_all of his friends_…because _he_ was a fucking _coward_, a fool who’d thought he could _escape_…

_ “That’s always been your problem, X. You underestimate yourself…your worth…and my boy, to me, you are a fucking Rembrandt and you never let yourself lose a—” _

He whimpered, clawing desperately at his ears, marking them red and bloody. He _ welcomed _ the pain… he didn’t _ care _ . He just _ wanted _ it to _ stop _ ! _ The continual knocking _ … _ Blake’s voice _ …it was all too fucking _ loud _ …too _ chaotic _ … swirling around in his head like a poison and bringing up memories he’d rather _ forget _ . He wanted it to— _ “You take it so pretty for daddy, don’t ya?” _— 

“Shut the fuck_ up _!” 

_ This is your fault…their lives…their bloody bodies…it’s all on you! You did this to them, you fucking coward! _

_ “You’re so dumb…but oh so, so pretty…” _

_ “Fuck this! I’m not doing it!” _

_ “I’ll show that tape to all your friends, your bosses at the gym…and to that drunk mother of yours that you hate so fucking much!” _

_ “Wait, I got somebody better! The next John Homes…” _

_ “We’re going to die here…” and it was all his fault…every bit of it! Because he had left Blake to — _

A rough hand touched his shoulder…and Xavier recoiled violently, jumping up off the ground to attack. _ “Don’t fucking touch me!” _ He exploded, his eyes wide and blood shot from the tears that hadn’t stopped streaming down his face. He blinked wildly, his senses letting all the sounds around him back in full force…and he was stunned by the _ silence _ that greeted him. The _ relentless thumping of wood…the voice… _that had both been competing to be the soundtrack to his breakdown, they’d _ stopped _ cold, and _ now _—

Montana was looking up at him, her expression grim. Her big brown eyes wet and shining bright in the dark with her unique brand of understanding and sympathy. She knew what was happening…that he was having a panic attack. She’d witnessed enough of them while they’d dated…before he had shut her out, literally and figuratively, and dealt with them on his_ own _.

Trevor had his hands up in the air, trying to convey that he wasn’t a threat…because Xavier had one of his hands balled into a fist and pulled back, ready to strike. 

“_Cool it, man! _ I was just tryin’ to _ tell _ you—”

“Trevor, is there a first-aid kit in here?” Montana interrupted, her eyes still locked on Xavier…and so _ big _ and _ beautiful _ and after all this time _ filled to the brim with love for him _. 

Trevor shrugged, bewildered by her question. “Yeah, there’s supposed to be one hidden somewhere in every cabin of Redwood.” He answered. 

“Go get it.”

“But—“

“Trevor, for fucks sakes!” She snapped impatiently. 

He groaned, taking a quick glance at Xavier’s clenched fist and wild, red-rimmed eyes and muttered, “This isn’t in my job description…” before he walked away to do as Montana had asked. 

Xavier breathed, unclenching his fist…wiping the tears from his face as guilt once again eat away at him from the inside. He didn’t like Trevor. The man was sleazy and arrogant, a lot like the men Blake liked to call _ ‘his boys’ _ …but that didn’t mean he _ ever _ wanted to hurt him and he’d almost had… twice now…and Xavier would never wish Blake on _ anyone _ , but he also hadn’t liked the way Trevor had talked so crudely about Montana earlier and he’d been _ so fucking scared _ and—

“Xavier, _ stop _. It’s okay now…” Montana whispered quietly to him, holding her hand out for him to help her up…and Xavier backed away again.

She dropped her hand. 

“_Don’t! _ ” He hissed harshly, unable to bear the thought of _ tainting _ her— _ their memories _ —any further with his _ touch. H_e’d already done that enough…by allowing himself to be _ selfish _ and _ foolish _ enough to believe that he could have her without any of his _ bullshit _ waiting in the wings to _ corrupt _ them. 

_ “And that’d been the whole problem, hadn’t it, X? She had never been good enough to satisfy you…not like I have…or like those men on the tape.” _

Xavier closed his eyes against the memory, his hand now pulling at his hair as tears welled in his eyes again. He could still remember what it felt like to hear the dust jacket of the VHS slide against the tape for the first time…how a _ potent _ mixture of _ shame _ and _ regret _had washed over him in waves so powerful that he’d been tempted to let it drown him in its undertow… 

Blake hadn’t had to do much convincing that_ first_ time. Xavier had _adored_ Blake and his charm well enough to let himself believe that he wasn’t taking an _outrageous_ leap toward his dream through porn…and he’d had a few _experiences_ with boys in his lifetime…like Billy McMillon in the 5th grade, who he’d passed harmless love notes with in Math class before their teacher had caught them and told his alcoholic father…and Billy had marched up to him the next day with a black eye and a warning to _never_ talk to him again…_and _the Senior boy his mother had caught him kissing in his room back when he’d been a Freshman…_and_ all the times Ray and Chet had caught him stealing appreciative glances at their combined physiques when they’d both first started coming into his aerobics class. Ray had been real sweet and polite about it… and Chet had been confused, but cool nonetheless, and neither had been _completely _embarrassed by his attraction. It was the eighties after all…

Plus, he knew that Blake had the right connections to get him on the silver screen…and he’d trusted Blake with his life—_ he had been the one to save it after all _ —but more importantly, he _ owed _Blake a debt. 

So Xavier readily agreed to do _ one _ scene.

And _after _the tape had been made and Xavier had _paid_ what he owed, he’d _stopped_ cold any kind _feelings_ he had for men that wasn’t dripping with comradery and had swept them under the rug… _never _to be spoken of again. He wasn’t _gay_…and he’d _die_ before giving_ anyone_ the power to say that he _was_ ever again. He’d also kept his respective distance from forming any kind of _new _relationship. He didn’t feel safe enough to _trust_ someone to let his walls down around…and besides, he was too _dirty_ and _damaged_ for anyone to ever _truly _love him… 

But, then, Montana had quite_ literally _ come crashing into his life like a tornado of sass and leopard print...her shameless and easy-going nature slowly tearing down all his carefully built walls _ one _ by _ one _ …and he’d grown to _ adore _ and _ love _ her so much more than he had ever had Blake, her endless love and faith enabling him to gather the strength to reject any of Blake’s _ obligations _ he’d felt the _ need _ to heed to.

He’d wanted hopelessly to be better…_ purer _ …for her. He’d wanted to _ deserve _ Montana’s love and affection, and for a short time, he’d felt like _ had _ …before Blake had gone and _ messed _ it up, and Xavier had to force himself to shut down again. 

_ “You stupid fuck! You should know better by now…You’ll always owe me!” _

Montana had been the one to end them, but she _hadn’t_ been the one to_ leave_ … that had been _him_. She cried, begging him to stay and work it out_…_her fierce_ loyalty_ and _stubbornness _refusing to let her admit defeat until they’d battled it out tooth and nail and had come out on the other side….her immense love for him flowing so freely in a way that he knew in his heart that he would probably _never_ feel from anyone again. 

And like the needy bastard he was, he had _ soaked _ it up, living and breathing it in like oxygen…before he’d locked his doors on her for a final time. 

“Xavier…” She said softly. Her steady voice slowly bringing him out of the past and back into the present. “Is all this about that dead guy by the showers? Blake?”

Xavier’s breath quickened, his heart skipping a beat. _ No…he hadn’t… _

“_What do you mean?”_ He asked, playing dumb. His entire world once again tilting on its axis for the second time today. _Please, God, tell me she doesn’t know…that he’d kept his mouth shut in his panic!? She _**_couldn’t _**_know! _He wouldn’t be able to handle seeing the_ pity_ and _disgust_ reflected in her eyes at having known what he’d done. 

Montana continued to stare at him, her expression now unreadable…but her brown eyes so full of sadness for him. “Xavier, I’ve _ known _ about Blake for a while…” 

And—

Xavier crumpled back onto the ground, his legs buckling out from underneath him… every muscle in his body shaking violently. His stomach rolled with the urge to vomit as he felt his heart break into a million _irreparable _pieces. He covered his face, wanting to _hide_…to blow away in the summer wind and into eternal oblivion…wishing that the earth would _swallow_ him whole… or that he’d just drop dead and _never _wake up, because death had to be better than Montana _knowing_ his darkest secret… and _judging_…_hating_ him what he’d _had_ to do. 

He couldn’t live with that…with the possibility of losing her love _ forever _. 

“_I’m so sorry, Tana!_ _I never meant_—” Xavier trailed off, his words incoherent as he babbled out his apologies. He didn’t know _exactly_ what he was sorry for, just that he _was_. He was sorry for _all_ and _none_ of it. _He was sorry for existing._

Montana’s measured patience broke and she hugged him to her tightly, whispering sweet nonsense as he felt her own tears fell onto his jacket, one of her hands rubbing circles on his back as the other carded through his hair. 

“Xavier_ , damn it, _ calm down! _ You’re scaring me _!” She half-heartedly scolded, still weeping along with him. 

Xavier felt all of the anger and bitterness he’d kept at bay for years began to rise and build within him…ready to boil over onto the surface and explode. He wanted to _ break _ something…to _ lash _ out and _ rip _ everything in his path to tiny pieces. He was _ so _ angry… _ so fucking bitter _. 

Xavier shoved away from her warm hold, sick with himself for allowing the weakness…_ of needing her _ …to crawl back in and take over. He turned to glare at her, his bright blue eyes damp and blazing fire…his voice as cold as ice when he asked, “ _ How’d you find out _?”

Montana frowned. “He came by that dead-end job I was working at when we were dating, and threatened to show me some gay porn tape he claimed you were in if I didn’t promise to break up with you…_ so I spit in his face and told him to go fuck himself _!” 

“And you _ never _ said anything?!” He barked back gruffly, feeling a tab bit _ betrayed _ …and _ heartbroken _ over what he’d lost, of what _ could _ have been. All the time he’d spent pushing her _ away _ …trying to _ protect _ her from the dirtiest, shameful part of himself… _ and he hadn’t even needed to _ ! “Why’d didn’t you _ tell _ me that you knew?” 

“What _ good _ would have it done if I had! _ I didn’t care _ …and you had already kept me on such a short leash when it came to other parts of your past! And I figured it wasn’t _ my _ place to bring it up! I trusted you to tell me if I’d _ needed _to know…”

Xavier flinched at her last sentence. 

She took a deep breath, her own temper at the situation waning…allowing the colossal sorrow between them to begin to fill the room again in its place. “And you just would have pushed me away _ faster _ than you already were…” she choked out. 

He peered at his shoes, silent. There wasn’t anything he could say to refute her statement, because it was true. He’d left her alone _ long _ before she had finalized their break-up by walking out the door, but he also _ needed _ her to _ know _that—

“I _ never _ would have put you at risk…at least not in _ that _ way!” Xavier had made sure to get tested regularly after he and Montana had begun to have sex…and Blake had started to push him to make _ more _ tapes. 

“I know…and you haven’t _ now _! Whatever the hell is going on here isn’t your fault, Xavier. It’s that crazy bitch Margret’s for trying to re-open this hellhole!”

Xavier grinned a bit, knowing deep down that she was _ right _ …but self-doubt still crept in, _ lingering _ along with the severe belief that everything he touched turned to shit. “Yeah, well, I still should have probably _ looked _ into Camp Redwood more before suggesting we all come up here, but I’d wanted _ so _ badly to—”

She stopped his self-depreciation with a tight squeeze on his shoulder. “Shh, its’ okay! Why do you think I agreed to come up here, besides the fact that I thought we were all going to get to goof off, do aerobics, and get high all summer?” 

“You haven’t had any _ fun _ since we got here?” Xavier asked, curious…half-challenging her to admit that she’d hooked up with Trevor earlier. 

“Well, Brooke continued to flip out after you guys left to shower…and we talked and I _ kissed _ her.” 

Xavier’s brow furrowed, because _ one _ , Brooke was _ always _ wigging the fuck out and two, that was _ just _ like Montana…to think it was _ appropriate _ to show her interest when someone was having a nervous breakdown. But her reply also gave him pause, because if he didn’t know Montana like he did, he would believe that her comment had been rhetorical…but as he’d just re-learned, most things tended not to so cut and dry when it came to Montana Duke. 

She was trying to _ tell _ him something…to _ lead _ him somewhere…and she was going to make him _ work _for the payoff. 

So Xavier inhaled, plastering on a fake smirk. _ Well, two could play at this game _. “You get laid?” He joked crassly. 

Montana scowled. “_ No _ . I kissed her. She panicked and ran off into the woods, which in retrospect since she was right about a killer being on the loose, isn’t exactly _ encouraging _…but hey, I at least didn’t get my ass beat this time, so I’m counting it as progress.”

Xavier scoffed at her, rolling his eyes affectionately. He felt like praising her, wanting to encourage that shameless care-free side that he _ loved so fucking much _ …but he was also felt _ terror _ for her. He didn’t want to see Montana keep getting _ hurt _ … _ misunderstood _ …and while he didn’t believe that Brooke had it in her to even bat a _ fly _ away. He still couldn’t shake the wave of utter _ protection _ that he often felt for his ex. 

_ She was his best friend in the world ... and _ he’d _ never _ forget the last time Montana had had a _ thing _ for a girl…and how it had about nearly _ broke _ her beyond repair.

“You know, maybe you shouldn’t come on _ so _ strong, Tana. You did that with me and look how _ that _ turned out…” _ With pain, tears, and blood (?)… _he vaguely remembered that Montana had socked him square in the nose on her way out of his apartment for the last time. 

Montana shrugged at his criticism. “Yeah, well, you’d needed it…and frankly, she does too. You both don’t seem to _ get _ subtle very well…” 

“And, what, it’s your job to teach us all the art of subtlety…? _ Because you live and breathe stealth, right? _” Xavier deadpanned. 

“_Fuck off!_ I hooked _you_, didn’t I?!” Montana spat and Xavier winced because yeah, she_ had_…from the _very first day_ that he’d met her and she had rear-ended him. 

He had been _so_ furious, ready to cuss out who’d _dared _to wreck his _precious_ car… and make him _late_ to his audition, but then, he had saw _her…_and he had gone _limp_ and _breathless_, feeling all the hate inside him _fade away_. She’d been an intoxicating whirlwind of high hair, wild hard gestures and vast amounts of leopard print…but also on the verge of tears and genuinely remorseful for having made him late by _denting _his car…

He had just beamed at her, waving off her apologies, truly not _caring_ for the first time in a _long _time. He didn’t have it in his heart to hold a grudge against her color and mystery, and besides, he’d never _liked _M.A.S.H. much anyways. 

They had exchanged names and phone numbers for _insurance reasons _before she’d boldly asked him if she could take him out sometime and buy him a cup of coffee…and he had_ panicked_, floundering for a right way to politely brush her off…before he’d just given up hope and raced back to his damaged car and drove away, fully expecting to _never_ see her again…

But she had turned up a week later, sashaying into his aerobics class with a slight nod and a smile, like they were just two old friends who’d _ merely _ hadn’t seen each other in a few days…and he’d been _ beyond _ baffled.

_ “Hello, Handsome! Nice to see you again!” _

_ “Hi…not to be rude, but why are you here? N-not that I-I mind, I think you’re cool and I like you but…” _

_ “Oh, relax! I’m not stalking you! I came because I’ve heard good things about this place, and aerobics, is like, my life’s passion… and getting to watch you do your thing up there in those short shorts is just an added bonus to me.” _

_ She winked at him…and he’d blushed a deep red. Chet had smirked and gave him a thumbs up… and Ray hadn’t let him hear the end of it for the rest of the day. But it wasn’t till her third visit that Xavier had finally felt okay enough about his attraction to her to ask her out on a date. _

“I’m just applying the same methods…”she finished, arms crossed and Xavier sighed. 

“Montana, I just wish you’d be _ more _ careful about how you pick people…not that it’s going to matter much with a _ killer _ roaming around the camp grounds, but I love you _ too _ much to watch you keep getting your heart broken _ over _ and _ over _ again.”

_ “Please, Xavier…I love you! I don’t care what’s wrong, whatever it is we can work it out…just please talk to me!” _

_ “No, please! Just go! I don’t love you anymore…why don’t you get that I want to be left alone?!” _

_ “I fucking hate you!” _

_ “Good! That makes two of us, babe...now leave!” _

Montana chuckled lightly at his impassioned speech, smiling brightly at him as she caressed his cheek. She pulled him in for another hug, and this time, Xavier leaned into it, wanting melt away into her touch…to get _ lost _ in her _ unwavering love _ for all eternity. 

“I know you do, Xavier…I love you too. _ Always _.” 

Xavier snuggled closer as tears fell from his eyes again. _ God, he fucking loved her! _

“_Hey!” _Trevor shouted in the background, snapping his fingers together to get their attention…_forever _breaking the illusion of peace and ending their moment. Xavier felt like growling. _Man, he hated this dude!_

“I _ hate _ to have to interrupt whatever the hell _ this _ is, but I’ve been standing over here with this damn first-aid kit in my hands, waiting patiently for you two to finish this hallmark moment so that we could _ go _ and start _ looking _ for the others!” 

“_ Go to _—” Xavier started to bite back, but Montana put a hand over his mouth and nodded up at Trevor. 

“You’re right…It’s time to go.” She agreed before turning back to Xavier. “You going to be _ okay _ ?” she questioned lovingly…like his answer _ determined _ if they’d left the cabin or not. 

He just kissed her cheek and took her hand to help her up. “I’m fine. Let’s go.” 

Trevor huffed. “_ About time _ ! Oh, and here’s some gauze to patch yourself up, Xavier…you were clawing at yourself real bad a bit ago.” He held them out…and Xavier eyed him cautiously, taken back by Trevor’s casual display of consideration for him. He wasn’t used to men showing care to him without wanting _ something _ from him in return… _ plus he didn’t like Trevor _. 

But his ears _ were _ sore and bleeding. So…

“Thank you.” Xavier said, taking the offering. 

“No sweat!” Trevor clapped him roughly on the back…and Xavier had to resist the urge to punch the bastard in the face.

Montana just grinned at them. “We all good?”

Trevor and Xavier nodded in agreement and Montana bent down to pick up the flashlight that she must have had to drop in favor of comforting him and shone it on the locked the door ahead.

Xavier went to go and open it.

**the end.**


End file.
